Rise and Overcome

I won! well qualified.... actually both
Last night there was a karaoke contest and the winner gets qualified into the big competition with the top prize being $500, YES PLEASE! AND I WON last night and therefor qualified. :) To top it off this older lady came up to me and I guess she's throwing a 50th bday party for a friend and they're having a karaoke contest there as well, and she wanted me to come because I sang so well (insert warm fuzzy feeling here), top prize is $300. She asked if I was interested and mentioned the money and my head was /nodnodnodnodnodnod. The support that I got from the strangers there last night was enough to make me see that although I'll probably never be a rich and famous singer... I'm famous there and rich in quality friends and awesome people that are kind enough to let me know I did well. That makes me happy.

Work is going well. I still love my job as a Game Master and I work with some pretty awesome people. It's an extremely stressful job as I'm doing what I always do and rework everything to make it perfect so I'm taking on a lot of responsibility. I'm hoping this will pay off however as they see that I'm working my ass off, hopefully they'll be more apt to promote me. :) I did get a company award for Best Support, so at least I know they're paying attention. I tested a new FPS game that we might be acquiring that is AMAZING. I keep telling people that my dream is that we get that game and then I get promoted to Senior GM and moved to that game. I want to start it, I want to do it right and show this company what I'm capable of.

Other than that my health is doing well. I seem to still be in remission at the moment and it's been that way for almost two years. Super happy about that. My Dad unfortunately just recently got diagnosed with MS as well. He's in a more advanced stage than I. :( He seems to be handling it well though, doing what I did to handle it which is just to move on with life and not think/worry about it. They keep saying that MS is one of those diseases they're hoping to cure in my lifetime and now that we have stem cell research OK'd that's looking more and more like a possibility. So here's hoping!

That's all for now folks :) Hope everybody out there is doing well!

Current Mood: cheerful

sofa king tired of stupid people!!
I am so tired of everybody coming to me to complain/bitch/whine/tell stories/whatever but the second I turn around and need somebody to complain/bitch/whine/tell stories/whatever to .... nobody wants to listen. Hell if somebody would just pretend to listen that'd be helpful. People are so selfish it astounds me. I just feel I make myself available to talk to for everybody, even my own family comes to me to talk... and sadly even my own family won't let me talk to them. Everytime I try to talk to any of them it's worse than a brick wall because they turn around and bitch about me venting to them. Everybody needs somebody to talk to, I just didn't know I'd have to pay sombebody to listen to me (or pretend to listen). I know this isn't the most upbeat post ever but hey, the beauty of it is that you don't HAVE to read it. Top this off with the stressful/shitty day I had at work today and I have to wonder how the hell I managed to make it through today.

In other news I went on Vacation to Idaho. There was some good... and some bad/stressful shit that I'm not even about it get into. I will say I had fun and it was nice to see family.

Current Mood: crazy

yays, nays and wtf
yays: I LOVE MY JOB!!! It's so much fun and awesome and I get to work with crazy cool people. This makes me super happy! /does a little dance

nays: I'm not looking for a guy per se, I am however keeping my options open. Lately there seems to be a decreasing number of guys I'm interested in. The worst part is I keep second guessing myself wondering if I'm purposefully counting so many guys out of the running as some sort of subconscious defense system. Or perhaps I'm just doing it to weed out the ones that I don't have patience for and when the right one comes along I will know. I guess in the past I kinda gave a lot of chances to guys and they did me wrong so ... kinda done handing out chance after chance after chance.

wtf: Went to a friends going away party last night and I heard through the grapevine that a friends older brother (who was there also, though I rarely see him out) said I "look like a girl that likes to F**k." Now although this bit of information is true, I'm not quite sure how to take that. Compliment? /shrug Then my friend says that I have "F**k me eyes" and that's why something like that was said. Ok by me. Just kinda a wtf moment.

I tend to go for guys I love to hate, and hate to love. Makes for a rollercoaster of a relationship but at least it's fun and entertaining, I HATE boring! ok off to enjoy my day off.

Current Mood: amused

gah!
ok just as a forewarning I realize I have plenty of time and that my time will come and there's more I want to do before having a baby but I want to vent about it anyway...

I was that girl in high school that everybody thought would settle down and have babies first. Every time I turn around another friend is having a baby. Not only did I not get married first, hell I might end up being LAST to get married but here I am without even so much as a boyfriend (which I almost kind of like). My first love in high school just put up pictures of his SECOND baby. Another high school friend is married and just put up the sonogram pictures of her baby. Another friend of mine who was even questioning whether she would EVER have children just had a baby. wtf? I know it's not my time and bla bla bla but DAMN! Every time I see babies now I get stupid, I watched Juno the other day and balled my flippin eyes out. It's kind of not fair being a woman and having that feeling inside you that you just want a baby, it's STUPID! Especially since my logical side is saying there is SOOO much I still want to do before having babies (lol like get married). Seriously though I know that it's not a good time, I just got a job (finally), I need to get back on my own again, and I want to travel. It also wouldn't hurt if I could find a boyfriend. I KNOW that I will have a baby someday and I KNOW there's so much I want to do beforehand, I just hate being a girl sometimes. Someday I will find a good guy that treats me right, and then we'll get married and have babies... a LONG time from now. Funny thing is I'm thinking in my head NOOOOO BABIES ANYTIME SOON but my biological clock is saying TIME TO HAVE BABIES. And guys wonder why women are crazy.... small wonder when we have so many raging hormones telling us one thing while our brain is saying something completely different. Ok I guess that's enough of a rant for now. :)

Current Mood: confused

FINALY!!
I got a job!! Not just any job but a job in the gaming industry, which is what I've been trying to get into. After one over the phone interview and three in person interviews they picked ME! This is awesome. :) Just had to share my great news.

Current Mood: bouncy

wow two posts in one day...
I hate hurting people and that's exactly what I did. So I talked to Jason over the phone and told him how I felt. He had the reaction I figured he would have. He thought it was a stupid reason to stop seeing somebody (which to him it would be because he doesn't feel as strongly about the topic as I do). I tried to explain to him that it means a lot to me and he didn't get it. Then he starts spouting off things like "well I guess I'll stop bothering you then" and "its cool I was just really starting to like you but have a nice life" and hangs up on me. So maybe it was a good call after all but I still feel like shit for doing it. Suffering is a part of life and this too shall pass I guess.

But WAIT! There's more....
So after I get off the phone with him I get a text from one of my guy friends saying "I have something to tell you but I don't think you want to hear it." o_O Well no time like the present I figured and so I tell him to spill it. He wants to sleep with me. So this comes as kind of a shock but not really cause I was kind of getting that vibe from him and I pretty much felt the same way BUT there's soooo many reasons why it'd be a bad idea. Out of all the guys in my group I've only slept with one. He and I had a friends with benefits relationship and are still good friends. Well the deal with my friends is if you sleep with one it's ok but when you sleep with another it's "friend hopping" and I'd pretty much become more of a "girl" than a "friend," if that makes sense. Plus I could totally see him and I having a good time every now and then but I'm to the point where I'm looking for more than that now. So I told him as much and he totally understood and he said it's no problem he just had to tell me. That's why he's my friend, that's why they all have been my friends for more than ten years. We can be honest with each other and nobody gets all hurt.

So quite an emotional rollercoaster to start the day but at least it's all out there.

Current Mood: calm

oy oy oy
So I met this really nice/good looking/sweet guy named Jason. So far he's been the sweetest guy to me and things between us have been going well. I was waiting to figure out what was wrong with him, I know that sounds silly but he was just too perfect to be true. Well last night I found out and I'm super confused. I was talking to him about how silly it is that Iowa voted to allow same sex marriage but California voted to take that right away from them again. I said that CA should have been the first to make same sex marriage legal and it should never have been overturned and I looked at him cause he was all quiet and I said "right?" Well he doesn't agree, he doesn't think same sex marriage should be legal and furthermore he thinks homosexuality is wrong. *sigh*

I'm a human rights activist. For starters I have a lot of gay loved ones and I don't think their way of life is "wrong." In fact I believe your sexuality is innate and if God made everybody that means s/he made them that way too and to slight Gods work is a slight against God. More important to me though is that I believe NO MATTER WHAT all humans deserve every human right. Marriage is a HUMAN right and nobody should be denied that.

So that left me thinking, is that a deal breaker for me? Could I be with somebody that thinks my friends and loved ones way of life is "wrong?" Could I be with somebody that thinks people should be denied their human rights just because they are gay?? I'm thinking no. He's a nice guy and I don't want to hurt him but when I day dream about the man I'm going to be with forever he at least feels the same way I do about this. It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't so important to me. *sigh* now I have to tell him how I feel and hope he understands.

Current Mood: bummed

my dream is to...
be the lead singer of a hard rock/metal band. Even if it ends up being a local band, I don't need to be rich and famous (though that would be awesome). I just want to sing and rock out with my band, I want to write lyrics that people hear, instead of just staying in my journal. That would be.... so utterly amazing!!

just a quickie
Well I've been sticking to my new years resolution, I haven't put myself into bad situations with men. So yay for that. I got a new car, actually this happened like a month ago but I just didn't post about it. I got a Nissan Exterra which is an SUV. It's dark green, year 2000. It's the first vehicle I've been proud of, it's in amazing condition, only had one previous owner and I got a smokin hot deal on it. It's so nice to be able to drive people and have them compliment my car instead of me having to make excuses as to why it sucks so bad lol. And I paid it all up front. wooo hoo no car payments! School is going well, I took my philosophy midterm last Monday and I'm waiting to hear how I did. Lola, my little chihuahua, is doing great. I turn 26 in june and she turns 2 in july. I'm almost done with my invisilign. I started almost a year ago wearing the invisilign to straighten my teeth and I'm on my last month so I'm happy about that. So all in all things are going well. Oh!! And I recently started studying Buddhism which is helping a lot in my life. ok well I guess that's all for now. :)

Current Mood: content

I don't do new years resolutions...
But I guess this year is special. It's taken me a while to realize the kind of guys I attract and put up with. And I realize it's my fault, I put up with it, I let it happen. So... no more broken guys for me to fix (fix your damn self) and I'm done waiting. I think that's my worst problem, I wait for guys to "be ready" *shakes head* if you're that into me you will be ready. *smacks forhead* How did it take me so long to realize this? I guess I just now realized how much of a good, attractive, smart, special person I am and how much wrong has been done to me in my life that I let happen. So I'm going to work on me and what I can control and let go of everything else. I'm ready to have a damn good time!

Current Mood: flirty

Just got back from disneyworld
Man am I spoiled. My aunt's christmas gift to my family (my dad, sister, and I) was a trip to disneyworld. It had it's ups and downs, such is life, but definately fun! I also figured out "what I want to be when I grow up." My favorite park in disneyworld (their are four) is animal kingdom, which for those who know me should come as no suprise. I also talked to a lot of the people who work there and got to watch them perform surgery on an ostrich (which was soooo awesome). I decided I want to be a zoology major and hopefully someday either work at a zoo or be a conservationist or something to that affect. My sister also took tons of awesome pictures while we were there and decided she wants to be a photographer when she grows up. Neither one of those professions is one in which we will be making loads of money but I never wanted to make a load of money, I just wanted to find something that I love and make enough money to live off of doing it. It's nice to have direction again, I felt lost for a bit. I missed Lola like CRAZY while I was in Disneyworld, the longest I had ever been away from her before the trip was two days. A week without my baby is far too long! I will never being going that long again without her.
And for those wondering yes I realize I'm 25 and "grown up" but it's never too late to chase your dreams. best wishes to all, have a wonderful Christmas!

Current Mood: happy

so I felt like posting
hmmmmm what to share?? Well I finally got my tattoo and I freakin LOVE it! Below is the pic, the wings are purple with pink highlight and the wording is "Rise And Overcome" I know BIG shocker there. I ended up not covering any of my scars from my surgery, the tattoo is placed right below, I just didn't want that part of my life covered so you can actually see the smallest of my scars right above the tattoo in this pic. The tattoo is on the back of my right hip. Sometimes I even forget I have it but when I see it I fall in love with it everytime. So very "me" and unique! I guess that's about all I feel like sharing right now. Hope everybody is doing well!!

Current Mood: ecstatic

lots of thinking
I've already decided I'm going back to school. I'm looking at what I need to do to finally finish college. I'm glad to realize I'm doing this for me. Verizon will actually give me up to $4,000 a year in tuition money. I have a lot of money saved but this will GREATLY help and is something I look forward to taking advantage of.

I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago and it got me thinking. I'm through wasting my time and their time if I know in my heart they aren't the one, no butterflies in the stomach. I'll be 25 years old this month and I am finally on my way to becoming the woman I want to be. With that comes the thought that maybe I won't find that butterflies in the stomach kind of love again, and maybe that's ok. I guess it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I learned so much about myself in those times and also learned what I wanted in a man, and what I didn't want. If I don't find it again, if that dream of getting married and having kids doesn't work the way I hoped it would, then I need to come up with a plan B.

I've been thinking on and off about adopting. There are a lot of asian people in San Jose and every time I see a little asian baby girl I feel like I've never seen anything more adorable in my life. If plan A doesn't work out then I want to adopt. I want to go back to school for me, so that when and if I do decide to adopt I can provide a stable loving home for that child. Just thinking about a plan B kind of has me excited. Just knowing that my life doesn't depend on somebody else, that I can be happy living my life the way I want to, makes me feel free. It's funny how things don't work out and how sometimes they do. :)

Current Mood: surprised

my God
I never cease to amaze myself. I had an allergic reaction to some face cream and managed to burn my face off, or at least that's what it felt like lol and itchy. It's still burny and itchy and red three days later, but in a couple more days I'll be fine again (yay!). I've had a lot of time to relax and play mario party on the wii, sooooo fun! And I've also done some cleaning, which technically I really shouldn't be doing (I'm not supposed to do a lot of bending and moving just yet) but I can't stand not doing it if it's needed. So cleaning got done yay. I gave my baby a bath and now she's all clean and smells good. I thought I'd share a picture of her grumpy face below. :) I also finished a good book and started on another. Soon enough here I will be well enough to get out of the house, can't freakin wait!! I'm way too social and active to be stuck here not very mobile, very excited that soon it will be different. In the meantime I learned that I will be getting checks from the state of CA during my part time disability, which will really help financially and take a lot of stress off of me. AND I won a phone at work!! It was a couple days ago, of course I wasn't even there. God(dess) is surely blessing me lately. I hope everyone out there is doing well, best wishes.

( See Little Miss Grumpy Face )

Current Mood: grateful

They can't keep me down, though they try
I went back to the hospital. After a few days of being home, one night I got a horribly sick feeling in my stomach and a bad headache, I went to bed early hoping it would just go away but alas it just got worse and worse, it got to the point that I couldn't even hold down water and the headache didn't let up at all. Around 4am I had to wake up my Dad and have him take me to the ER. Turns out I had a pretty bad infection from the surgery so they immediatly put me on antibiotics, some medicine for nausia and pain killers and I got to spend two more glorious days in the hospital. Although this was a different kaiser hospital and I got my own room so it was certainly nicer than before. I am however very happy to be home once again! Hopefully this time to stay. Other than that I guess there's not really much, I will be spending my next few days on oral antibiotics and lounging around the house and with any luck doing absolutely nothing but getting better. Hope everybody else is doing well! Much love and best wishes.

Current Mood: amused

I'm so sick
of people asking me if I starved myself to lose the weight. Furthermore I'm sick of people asking my why I continue to starve myself. I DON'T STARVE myself! Yes I eat less than I used to, umm duh I was overeating that's why I was overweight. I eat much healthier now and I eat a lot less because I stop eating when I'm full and I don't eat unless I'm hungry. Get over it!

well I'm back
After an agonizing five days in the hospital I'm back home and couldn't be happier! I missed my dog even more than I thought, I cried when I finally got home and saw her, yes I'm a sap and she licked my face all over. :)

The surgery went well. I got an epidural before hand and I have a new respect for women who get them before childbirth, I nearly puked. It's certainly not the most fun thing in the world. I woke up from the anastesia in tears from the pain, apparently they didn't plan it quite right and I didn't get pain medication through the epidural until 45 minutes AFTER I woke up. I barely remember it, I just remember being in tears but not being able to cry because it hurt so bad, don't remember much of the first night either thanks to the drugs. A few of the nurses SUCKED but thankfully more of them were wonderful. I wasn't able to even roll over for two days, it took four days for me to be able to get out of bed and walk, that was awful. Only being able to sit there and watch tv is not how I ever want to be again, I tried reading but just kept falling asleep with the book in my hand, again thanks to the drugs. It was horrible not being able to even get up to go to the bathroom (catheters SUCK and I hope never to have to need one again) or to even bathe myself. Katie, bless her heart, washed my hair and braided it once she got back from Disneyland. I got a cute fuzzy bunny while I was there thanks to my friend Sean, who surprised me with a visit. I have a tube coming out of my back attached to a bag which I will have to carry around with me for four to six weeks, I knew that was going to be the case but it's not really easy to hide a bag full of urine lol, I have a great cockblock for the time being. I'm still in a bit of pain, well duh I will be for a while but the vicodin helps, pretty much by making me sleepy and therefor making me get plenty of rest.

I'm so happy this is over with and I can hopefully live better in the future. For those who want to see the wound I've attached a picture, but I don't recommend it for people who get queasy about that kind of stuff. The staples are still in, I should be getting them removed Monday or Tuesday and then I will post another picture of the current scar. It wasn't the most enjoyable experience but I certainly didn't expect it to be. I'm proud of myself for getting through it all and moving forward. Hope all is well with everybody. Lola and I are very happy now!

( you wanna see it? )

Current Mood: ecstatic

it could be sad... but it's true
I know this might sound silly... Heading into my surgery tomorrow I'm a tad bit scared, but I've barely thought of it. The thing that has occupied my mind the most about it all is the fact that I'll be without my dog for four days. As much as being in the hospital that long makes me cringe, I'm more concerned about not having my Lola with me. I can't explain the bond she and I have, it's like we were meant to be together. I know it sounds silly but I fell in love with her the moment I saw her picture online. She came to me at a time where I felt so lost. I "woke up" when she came into my life. She inspires me to do so much, and she's just a dog!! But she's so much more than that to me. I can't thank God(dess) enough for bringing the two of us together. She's become family to me, I can't imagine life without her. It's amazing... the bonds we can share with animals. Some people might say "pft.. she's just a dog" and I say "it's too bad you don't have the capacity to love like I can, or be loved like I am." She makes me incandescently happy.

Current Mood: enthralled

US Marine throws puppy over a cliff
I posted this elsewhere but I felt the need to do so here as well.

You can search for the video by typing "marine puppy killer" or something of that sort, not hard to find. Watch the video, and if you have a soul you will be as sick as I am. The saddest part is that whenever people think of US soldiers in Iraq this sick guy is who they are going to think of.... now they won't think of the many respectable soldiers that are adopting animals while they're there, not the many honorable ones that raise money to buy the children over there soccer balls to play with, not the ones who leave their families behind in hopes that their efforts are not in vain, the ones that just want to do good in the world. Thank you very much Asshole for disgracing them and my country.

Now I understand that times are hard there (to put it lightly) but that is NO excuse, I mean at the very least be a man and shoot the poor thing in the head if you want to put it out of it's misery. You're seriously sick if you're going to throw it off a cliff, laugh about it and VIDEO TAPE IT!! Not to mention stupid. I'm also irritated that this story broke on the fourth or fifth of this month and the military said they would "investigate." ummmm where are their findings?? I haven't seen an update to this story.... *shakes head* this entire "war" is just a never ending nightmare.....

Now before people go all crazy on me I'm even more outraged about the people that are dieing over there, both soldiers and the people living there. Yes I'm upset about a puppy, because it's WRONG, though as concerned as I am about animal cruelty I'm more concerned about how this one dickhead makes all the US soldiers look bad....

Current Mood: disappointed

here lies photographic evidence, as requested :)
After a long night at the saddlerack shakin it on the dance floor...

Me and the little monster (AKA Lola)

Current Mood: accomplished

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